


for the first time

by brokebackdeancas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff, Grieving Dean Winchester, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-05-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:28:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24185908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokebackdeancas/pseuds/brokebackdeancas
Summary: Dean doesn’t even know the right words to start, but it’s not like someone is there listening to him. Maybe knowing there’s really no one around is good, so Dean can let his heart out without worrying that people other than himself could hear his words. So, he just goes for it.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20





	for the first time

**Author's Note:**

> i kinda cried writing this, enjoy 

“Well, here we are.”

Dean is standing in the field, hands in the pockets of his jacket as the morning breeze gives him goosebumps at the base of his neck. Sam, Eileen, and Jack had already taken off, leaving Dean alone for a moment so he could collect his thoughts and give a proper goodbye, as he obviously needs to.

Cas had died. They knew it would have happened, they tried to do something about it, but in the very end everything turned out to be worthless. They didn’t have a body or ashes to bury since the Empty had taken him whole, but Cas deserved a grave, so they build one. They tied together with a piece of lace two sticks and carved ‘CAS’ on the horizontal one. The little cross is barely standing, but it’s what they have for now. Sam, Eileen, and Jack had said their goodbyes and his brother put an arm around the girl’s shoulders, guiding them to the car suggesting that they would let Dean have some alone time with Cas’ cross.

Dean doesn’t even know the right words to start, but it’s not like someone is there listening to him. Maybe knowing there’s really no one around is good, so Dean can let his heart out without worrying that people other than himself could hear his words. So, he just goes for it.

“Hey, Cas. I know you’re not really there and that the cross is just a cross with your name carved in it, but Sam thinks that having a chat with non-you could help me say farewell.”

He chuckles.

“Say farewell. Like that’s something I could actually do. ‘Cause you know, I remember all the faces and all the names of the people that trusted me and that I couldn’t save. And I practically spent 12 years with your face, how am I supposed to just _let that go_? How am I supposed to put aside everything that we went through like it was just a bad dream? I’ll try ‘cause I know that’s what you would have wanted me to do but I don’t know if I can, Cas. You were – _you are_ – such a big part of my life and I couldn’t imagine living it without you. I had the taste of it after Lucifer killed you and I don’t wanna keep living my life like I was living it back then. Everything just felt meaningless and hopeless, it just… it isn’t worth it, you know? Why would I keep on living if I have this hole in my chest that is constantly burning and reminding me that you’re _gone_?”

This kind of thoughts had always scared Dean. His life is shredded, and the people in his family are his mainstays: if even only one of them is gone, the whole structure’s gonna fall. And Dean can’t do anything to help it, ‘cause that’s who he has been for the past 41 years.

“I’m just gonna hope this is going to be a new start. Of I don’t know what, but I’ll probably figure it out. You know, I’ll probably become an uncle sooner or later. I don’t know what plans does the future reserve for my brother and Eileen, but I know Sammy could make a great dad. And I could be the drunk and fun uncle that lets the kid do whatever they want – I can totally imagine myself doing that. Imagine me teaching the kid how to properly hold a gun and Sammy completely banning me from their household after he finds out.”

Dean pauses for a few seconds. Cas isn’t there anymore, and Sam is probably going away with Eileen, but knowing he’s happy relieves him.

“Sam is gonna live a happy life. He has never wanted to hunt and go against the bad, he just wanted that apple-pie life, you know? College, a house on its own, marriage, kids. Maybe he’s getting that chance now and I couldn’t be happier for him, even if it means he’s gonna leave me. I honestly don’t know about Jack. I think he’s gonna stick with me for a while, but he’ll get rid of my old ass sooner or later. Looks like it’s gonna be me, myself and I. I just hope my thoughts won’t take over my already non-existent sanity ‘cause I know this world still needs me and you know, I still have to have faith in something even if I don’t know what that something is.”

Dean gulps and lowers his gaze to his feet. He’s trying to tell non-Cas everything that the hunter hasn’t told him in the past years, but it’s hard. Finally letting his heart _feel_ after so much time of pining and miscommunication just doesn’t seem right. But Sam thinks it’ll help him, and his brother is right most of the time.

“I don’t know Cas, it’s difficult. I’ve just been keeping everything inside and now that I should tell you everything I don’t know where I should start. Can I tell you that I miss you if you’ve been gone for not even two days? I don’t care, ‘cause I’m gonna say that anyway. I fucking miss you, man. And you know, I wish you would still be here so I could talk to you face to face and blur everything out. I’m tired of keeping things for myself and I want you to know everything. What goes through my mind, the feelings in my heart. The whole deal.”

Dean looks at the cloudy sky above him as his eyes fill with tears. He looks down at the cross and wonders if he would be really saying everything if Cas was standing there. He sits right in front of it, childishly cross-legged, and he lines his eyes up with the knife-carved letters on it.

“Cas, I still need you. Why did you have to go? I mean, I know why, but… you get it. It’s just that sometimes I can’t help but blaming you even if you did save Jack. You know, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I wasted so much time on something that could have made us both _so_ happy many years ago. I guess I just was scared and chickened out every time I was about to say something. I didn’t know how to act and stuff and now you’re dead and you’ll never be able to hear my apologies and I fucking hate it-“

Tears are definitely running over his cheeks now. Dean tries to hide them by holding his face between his hands. Not that anyone is around to see how weak Castiel makes him, but it still feels like he’s not allowed to break down: they won, they are free. Why would he be sad and devastated?

“Ah, fuck. I hate how vulnerable I get whenever you are concerned. Since when I became such a sap? God, you changed in a way no one ever did. You made me realize that even through the worst times if you really care about someone you will get over everything that’s standing in between. I forgave you so many times, _you_ forgave _me_ so many times. I just can’t believe all the shit we’ve gone through together. I mean, we survived purgatory and we both got out alive, two times – you were a little fucked up the first one, but you got better too. We got through hell and you saved me from that filthy place. I can never thank you enough for that. And I’m so grateful it was you. I’m so relieved when you’re around, Cas. Growing up I never had any friends beside Sam and getting the chance to build such a relationship with you made me feel so lucky. It felt like I didn’t deserve it ‘cause you know me… but whatever.”

Self-loath and no one that took care of him since when he was little.

“I can’t just let you go like this. I needed to tell you all of these things when you were still alive and… I-I know that you knew about my feelings, but you never got the chance to hear a thing that came from my mouth, how sick is that? I needed you to hear that I still need you after all, that I _want_ you, that…”

Dean can’t look at the cross, so he just stares at his hands in his lap. It feels too personal and kind of embarrassing to say it out loud, even if no one’s gonna hear him. He has kept his feelings inside for that much time that it’s hard to get something out. Dean _loves_ Cas. He has acknowledged that for some time now, the angel did too apparently, but he’s not the one to show his care and affection with words. Dean’s a firm believer that actions speak louder than words and truly thinks that in the 12 years of his life he has known Cas, the angel definitely got a taste of his unspoken fondness.

“… that I just _miss_ you. Like hell. And I will never forgive myself for making you feel like you couldn’t trust me in telling me about your problems. I’m so mad at myself for throwing at you all the repressed anger that was living in me and thinking it was okay. I miss your stupid face and that damn frown you always make when you don’t understand things.”

Dean would never admit it, but he finds it cute.

“We would have had so many firsts together, can you imagine that? Let me be sappy and all lovey-dovey here saying that I wondered definitely more than one time how your lips would have tasted like.”

Dean feels red splashing his cheeks in embarrassment, ‘cause he did think about Cas when he was alone in his room at night. And sometimes his mind simply drifted away and led him to please himself.

“I thought about- I thought about how casually we could have twined our fingers during a hunt or while we’re eating. Or I don’t know, you could have learned to slow dance together, ‘cause I’m pretty sure the both of us have no idea where to even start with it. A pet would have been cool – but not cats, I’m allergic to those little Satan-spawns. I never thought you needed grand gestures or public demonstrations of love, it’s the little things you know? And I don’t know how many times I said this but I’m so sorry. For everything.”

Dean finally looks up and realizes that tears are filling his eyes once again. He looks at his watch and reads the little numbers that indicate today’s date.

“I know I’m like supposed to let you go and say goodbye, but you know, we could make this an annual thing. I’ll be here every year I get to live on this very date and we’re just gonna… _I’m_ just gonna hang out here, talk to you about how’s my shitty life going and stuff. It’s gonna be hard without you, I know. But I also know that you wouldn’t have wanted me to just sit and complain about missing you. I wanna be strong this time. I’m gonna be strong, for you. For the both of us. I love you so much Cas, you can’t even imagine.”

Dean presses two fingers on his lips and leaves a small kiss on them, shifting them on the lines carved on the cross. He gets up and turns his back on non-Cas, walking to get to the car. Dean climbs in the driver seat of the Impala, and when he turns the keys and the engine rumbles, a song he doesn’t recognize is playing. He almost thinks about changing the station, but the lyrics and the singer are kinda good, so he decides against it. Before definitely leaving the field, Dean turns one last time to the cross, looking at it through the glass of the window.

“Come find me in my dreams tonight, okay?”

_We're gonna start by drinking old cheap bottles of wine_

_Shit talking up all night_

_Saying things we haven't for a while, a while yeah_

_We're smiling but we're close to tears_

_Even after all these years_

_We just now got the feeling that we're meeting_

_For the first time_


End file.
